oh well, i really shouldn’t have bothered asking in the first place.. and i only did because of this..

Entry#13: Dear ***********

14 11 2008

how ironic, 13 is my favorite number.. i guess that might have to change from now on cuz i hate you for having the letter posted online.. why on earth did you do that? to let people know how romantic you were, how much you loved me, etc., is that it?! well i loved that you gave me a white rose after perhaps overhearing me say i would’ve preferred white roses instead of the separate bouquets of pink and yellow roses i got two days prior to that.. but did you really love me? i don’t think so, cuz if you did, that personal letter to me wouldn’t have been posted online.. or maybe it was not that personal after all.. who was i kidding? i can’t be angry with you but i’m aghast that you’ve done that.. i just hope you had a good reason.. thanks a lot..

but then again i shouldn’t wallow in this sentimentality cuz whenever that happens, things go wrong.. besides, you’ve moved on, so should i.. this time i should try to REALLY move on.. but then again i should also remind myself that moving on does not mean focusing your attention to another guy or anything to that effect.. haaay i miss you lang..

random thoughts

April 4th, 2008

ever wondered what you’d be wondering about if what you are wondering about is what’s taking place?

i want a full body massage

where’s our freaking food

upcoming activities: bridge galore, weekend at galera, wakeboarding in batangas(?), palamig sa baguio(?), bora with the girls

proposals

nanun haengbog habnida.. i miss hangeul

what i have to do over the weekend

have to speak with some people

got to delete emails.. a lot of emails

i feel more sleepy after an eight-hour sleep compared to having a couple of hours or less

why does your order arrive when you’re just about ready to cancel???

Things you want ~I

April 4th, 2008

I may not be there when you

want me to. I may not say the words

you expect me to. But don’t assume just yet.

Things aren’t always as they seem.

Fall v.2

October 23rd, 2005

Sitting on the porch one autumn afternoon of 1953

My eyes wandered through our yard

The next minute I was staring at this orangey thing

I walked to where it was

What the – ?

There it lay on the ground

A baby bird, breathing weakly

Its wing broken

Carrying it in my arms

I raced to the house

Mi abuela was there

Seeing the injured thing, she said she knew what to do

Relieved, I gave her the baby bird

And decided to look for its nest

Being the feeble five-year-old that I am, I can’t climb trees

So I took the stepladder

We have five trees in the yard, not one has a nest

Maybe it fell; but the lawn was empty

Maybe it’s amongst the rose bushes

But I was wrong

I searched everywhere

And found no nest

But two empty bottles of beer

And a bracelet I lost the past week

It was getting cold, and dark

I figured I better get back in the house

I was tired and famished, dirty, too

So I took a quick shower before having dinner

The kitchen smelt of herbs and spices I didn’t recognize

“What’s for dinner, Abuela?”

“Ensalada de coditos y arroz con pollo y petrirojo, mi nieta; and some quesadillas.

Now go set the table,” she said

Before long we were at the table

Abuela and I

Having a meal I couldn’t even pronounce then

I thought about the baby bird I found

Maybe I’m meant to keep it, I thought

Take care of it, nurse it back to health

So I asked Abuela how it was

“Muy bien! Muy tierno! Next time bring home a turquia!”

Almost

October 23rd, 2005

It’s been over a minute

It hasn’t come yet

I still have the scalpel in my hand

The color of crimson seeping

Out of my pale wrist

I don’t feel anything

Suddenly I black out

Then there’s this blinding light

‘Think it’s all over

“Welcome back, dear”,

Says an unfamiliar voice

A male figure blocks the light

I get up to have a better look

He isn’t bearded

He doesn’t have any horns or a tail either

His face seems very pleasant and kind

He’s dressed in a crisp white coat

Oh so didn’t make it

I want to strangle him for ‘saving’ me

But he’s so good-looking

And him beaming at me now

Sure beats crossing over to the other side

I smile back

I’ll enjoy this moment for a while

But next time, I’ll use a pistol

Just to be sure

topsy-turvy

October 23rd, 2005

you read the intro

you’re drawn.

you start to wonder if it’s gonna end

the way you’re imagining it would.

you read on.

you’re halfway through.

it’s almost like what you pictured

in your head;

only yours has a bit of a twist.

does the text has one too?

you read on.

you reach the end.

it’s twisted..

..not!

you’re dissatisfied

you must’ve missed some parts

you go over it again

have you read too much between the lines?

‘cause there are loads of double meanings

you dropped the twist thing

you think you found something more interesting

quite hard to understand

go figure all you want

maybe you get it;

maybe you don’t.

but sometimes you just won’t know

you can’t be sure.

whatever it is

only the writer knows.

tuck-in tent

October 23rd, 2005

They were seatmates

Hardly talking

But somehow they became friends

Eventually, they got closer

He called her on the phone

Sometimes walked her home

He was always there for her

And she for him

They grew fonder of each other

Friendship into courtship

He really liked her, and always told her so

She did too, but kept it to herself

‘Cause they were still studying

Still have a long way to go before graduation

And she wanted to test him

Make sure he’s for real

He says he’ll wait for her until then

Wait for her my foot!

The selfish git!

He left her for someone else

Then he never called her or anything

The inconsiderate jerk!

He disappeared on her just like that

As if they never became close friends

What’s wrong with him?

Oh if I could only get my hands on him

Never mind

He failed her test

Maybe that’s all that matters.

3v0_|

October 21st, 2005

 How will I get over my ex?

What are you thinking? You do know I’ve been single since the day I was literally detached from my mama’s womb. What on earth gave you the idea that I might have the answer to your problem? I feel glad, though, that you come to me for help.

Easy. Get yourself busy with other things – other things, meaning things that have no way of reminding you any memories you have of your ex. Next thing you know, you’re dating somebody else.

Okay, I’ll do that.

Haha you’re always like that. I’ve lost count already of how many times we’ve had this conversation.

Two years.. And obviously you’re still friggin’ into that lucky creature. I don’t get it. You told me you did everything you can to get rid of the feeling, and yet it’s still there. Maybe that’s just the way it is. Some people move on easily and others don’t. Or (I can’t believe I’m saying this) maybe it’s what they call true love. Hahahahahahahahaha.

You told me the reason of you’re breakup. No third parties were involved. Well, I have a question: Did it ever occur to you that maybe you aren’t really totally sold to the idea of you forgetting your feelings for and your past with your former sweetheart? Well maybe you’re not yet ready to let go and I think it’s understandable. You were not really deliberately hurt, right? Maybe that explains why you can’t totally move on. Otherwise you’d be out the door in a snap.

Still there?

But if you’re serious about moving on, you have to decide on it; the same way that you decide when you love. ‘Cause you see, when a person loves, he or she is making a decision. It’s not all feelings, otherwise that’d be something else. I don’t know what it’s called, but it’s not love. Going back, if you really want to move on, make the decision. Let go of the past and kill every hope you have about you two getting back together. There are risks – there always are, whether or not you let go.

But should you? Whatever happened to unconditional love? Some people say there’s no such thing; we’re all naturally selfish. But so what if love’s unrequited?

It’s funny how some people react when their ex finds someone new to replace them with. They do the craziest, most unthinkable things either to win their exes back or, sometimes, to get even. What’s up with that?

But anyways, you SAY you want to move on. Then quit your mooning and DO something about it!!

Hey, you listening? Darn, you dozed off?

So I guess I’d be expecting to talk to you on this again anytime soon?

Nice.

Lights

October 21st, 2005

You were not at all a stranger

That’s why I gave us a shot

But immediately I withdrew

‘Cause it didn’t feel right

Eventually I began to feel the longing

Why, I thought I didn’t like you

So what the heck is this?

Weird, but now it’s you that I miss!

There were nasty stuff going around about you, though

I just took them in, everything

Then turned my back on you

Making it seem that I, too, despised you

That’s what I did despite my yearning

Kept telling myself: you’re a mistake

But ‘twas hard to forget you

The harder I tried the more I craved

No one knew I had this feeling

When asked, I told them: there’s no such thing

I was afraid

I didn’t want anyone to know

Until one night I held you in my hand

I didn’t care about the stares

For a brief moment, I forgot all my worries

That was months ago

But the picture’s still vivid in my head

And I long to hold you once again

But it really doesn’t feel right

So, now what?

Do I fill my lungs with nicotine from my own puff?

Or just let secondhand smoke do the job?

Doesn’t make that much difference, does it?

Fall

October 10th, 2005

Falling leaves

Swirling, riding the wind

Trying to not hit the ground

And be frozen by the coming winter

My eyelids felt heavy watching them

Thump!

It came from behind

I got off the garden swing

Alas! A baby robin, writhing on its side

It would’ve been dead

If not for the dried leaves

That cushioned its fall

Nothing’s left in its nest

Its mum must’ve migrated for the winter

I went to get help

Luckily my vet neighbor was home

He said its wing would be well again

However it’d sustain a twisted hallux

Say what?

‘Like a twisted toe’

I took care of the baby robin

Did everything I could to make it feel better

How can’t I?

It was too darn cute!

Fall set in once again

The robin was fully-grown but seemed unhappy

I was concerned

Heavy-hearted, I let it go

For days, I stared at the empty cage

Hoping the robin would miss me

And decide to come back

I didn’t have to wait long

Trying to scratch its way through the windowpane

Was my robin, back after one long week

But it only stayed

A couple of days

Spring was almost over

I awaited my robin’s return

And prayed its would last ‘til fall ends

I slid my window open

I jumped out of bed this morning

Seeing the robin by my window

But it’s not my robin; its ‘toes’ were perfect

It’s cold; I’d still leave my window unclosed

Falling leaves

Swirling, riding the wind

Trying to not hit the ground

And be frozen by the coming winter 

2 a.m.

September 19th, 2005

He wheels away from his computer

And peers through the blinds

The rain has stopped, he hadn’t noticed

He gazes into the night sky

It’s clearing up

Stars come into sight

He pulls the blinds up

And slides the window open

The gentle breeze gives him the shivers

He whispers something into the night

Eyes closed, he feels the chilly wind brush upon his face

A smile forms on his lips

He looks up the sky again, then shuts the window

His smile still unfading

As he goes back to his desk.

i started skimming through his entries, which were not very recent and i stumbled upon the letter he gave me back in college.. and what i thought were long gone were then streaming down my cheeks.. maybe it’s my fault that i haven’t really moved on.. i remember what my just-married missionary childhood bestfriend said: that moving on involves a step-by-step process that you have to go through, and you can’t skip anything just to fast-track to you goal.. i’m afraid i might have skipped a step or two..

what i actually did was avoid and get rid of everything that reminded me of him.. no more pictures or blogs; no more visiting UP cuz that would mean bumping into him more particularly in the tambayan; no more talking to common friends even (which i’m truly regretful for, for i have missed them so much).. it was careless, i know.. so careless that i even flew out to Boracay to work there, away from my loved ones, from everyone.. i can’t stand the idea of having to pass by philcoa going to work without feeling nostalgic and being reminded that there won’t be an us anymore.. what can say, i was struck by him so to speak..

never until today have i felt like this.. funny thing is i saw him online the other day and i even said i’m over him just to get rid of the wall that we both seem to have put up since we stopped communicating.. and now i’m crying again and it upsets me cuz i’m not exactly sure why it’s happening again..